Are You Co-Dependent?

Kimile Pendleton from Heal the Family Now explains the signs of someone who is co-dependent and what effect that can have on your life.

Codependency Test

Do you tend to believe your alcoholic's or addict's promises, even when they have repeatedly broken promises before?
Do you find yourself making excuses for your alcoholic or addict?
Do you give money to your alcoholic or addict to pay bills that they should pay for themselves?
Do you often feel lonely?
Do you avoid confronting your alcoholic or addict?
Do you try and fix your alcoholic' or addict's problems even if they don't ask for help?
Do you have trouble saying no to your alcoholic or addict without feeling guilty?
Do you find yourself spying on your alcoholic or addict?
Is much of your time spent helping people who need you?
Do you need to feel needed?
Do you feel upset or angry if your alcoholic or addict tells you that they don't want your help?
Has anyone repeatedly told you to stop trying to help them?
Do you feel responsible for you alcoholic's or addict's actions?
Do you lose sleep worrying about your alcoholic or addict?
Do you ever remind your alcoholic or addict that they need you?
Do you believe that you are obligated to help your alcoholic or addict?
Do you suppress your feelings about your alcoholic's or addict's behavior until eventually you explode with anger?
Do you sometimes feel that your substance abuser's drug or alcohol use is your fault?
Do you enable your alcoholic's or addict's substance abuse behavior?
Have you ever sabotaged your substance abuser's attempts at recovery?
Do you every feel ashamed of your alcoholic or addict?
Do you often give advice, even when it is not requested?

All of us are codependent to some degree. It is the human condition, we all need other people. We are all affected by other people's words and behavior. We affect other people by our words and behavior. The question is whether we have let our natural interdependence evolve into something unhealthy.

Unhealthy Codependence
Unhealthy dependence can be defined as a relationship where one person is addicted to being needed by someone else.
You could ask, how is unhealthy codependence different than how most relationships function? All I can say is that I believe that in a healthy relationship, you want your partner to be healthy, happy and functional in their life, even when you are not there. And they want the same for you. That doesn't mean that you can't feel joy in being with them. However, your happiness should not depend entirely on their presence and their mood.

Enabling and Unhealthy Codependence.
In an unhealthy relationship, individuals will tend to make their partners dependent on them. For instance, by enabling <http://www.my-alcoholic-addict.com/enabling.html> their alcoholic's or addict's unhealthy behaviors, an unhealthy person can ensure that their partner needs them. In these circumstances, the alcoholic or addict receives many subtle cues telling them that it is all right to indulge themselves as long as they let their partner know that they are needed.

In an unhealthy relationship, when the addict or alcoholic takes steps to dealing with their problems, the codependent will often sabotage their efforts. This is seldom conscious. They are not bad people. They do not want their partners to be in pain. However, they are so vested in being needed by their partners that they are fearful that if their partner were healthy, they would no longer be needed. At some unconscious level, the needy person will tend to support that behavior that makes them feel needed.

Many people in alcoholic or addict relationships have an unhealthy codependence upon their substance abuser. To some degree they need their alcoholic or drug abuser to be dependent on them. If this is you, you may well be contributing to your alcoholic's or addict's self-destructive behavior. If you truly want things to change, you will need to take steps to deal with your own issues.


Contact Kimile at www.HealTheFamilyNow.com